Black's Blog

Episode on 9/27

Black — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 03:41:13 +0000

Well, I had an episode tonight! i was sitting at work, getting ready to get off when, all of a sudden, this extream emtpyness came over me. i almost fell down, it was so intense. i was lookig around at all my co-workers and i thought to myself that ehy are all going to go home to thier happy lives and i will never be happy again. it was kinda like a halucination. i thought that i didnt want to live anymore, because i couldnt be happy like them. I alomst ran out of the room. i stayed, and got a little dizzy. when the room stopped spinning, i went out to the break room and took an ativan. i’d say the empty feeling slowly faded and was gone withing 10 minuets. but i was still shaken by the extremety of the sad feeling. this episode was much more intense than what caused me to go to the hospital. i really didnt want to live there for a moment. then i was shaky. i got relieved and i booked it home. I couldnt eve stop for dinner at subway. i just went straight home and got my cell phone. after about a half hour of feeling off, i called my dad to come stay the night with me. now i feel in between. im mainly just scared.

9/1 morning

Black — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:35:46 +0000

well, i slept good until about 6am. i woke with anxiety, about a level 2, and that level fluctuated between the 2 and 5 while i dozed in and out until about 8am. now i have been up for a while and i have been sitting here thinking. i am not sure how much longer i can take of this. i’m kind of at my wits end. this constant anxiety is wearing me out.

8/31 afternoon & night

Black — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 15:30:23 +0000

well, i sat at home for most of the day and watched TV. my anxiety got progressive worse all day leading up to my evening class. by the time i got to my evening class, i had to take an Ativan or i would have left. I went to class and had the worst anxiety i have ever had without running away. the professor made it clear that if anybody left before role was taken that they would be dropped, so i had to stay in class. i was really dizzy and light headed during the first hour and a half of the class. when we got out for break, the fresh air really helped and i took a little walk. by the time we went back into class, i felt better and berfore i knew it, the anxiety was almost gone. i was really concentrating on the class. after the class, the anxiety came abck and i stayed at about a 2 for the rest of the night. since i was so nervous in the beginning of class, i had text’d my mom to come back down here and stay the night. I still dont feel comfortqble being alone. we watched a movie and i went to sleep around 12:20.

8-31 morning

Black — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 18:47:47 +0000

Well, I woke up again in the middle of the night at 3:45. I used the bathroom and then tossed and turned until about 5am. I had lots of weird and disturbing g thoughts during this time, but i avoided them and just kept trying to go back to sleep. After 5am, i slept on and off until about 8:30, then i stayed up.I had some really weird dreams, and i actually remembered them afterward. after i woke up for good, i just kinda laid in bed because i just didn’t know what to do. I finally got up around 8:30 because i had to move my car for street sweeping. i then made me and my mom breakfast (she stayed the night). we talked and at 9:20, i took a shower (went well) and got dressed and left for my counseling meeting at school. that was kind o useless, but i felt a little better for talking and she said she would look into any groups meeting on campus that might help me. she also gave me lots of positive reinforcement that i was headed in the right direction. so now, after my meeting, i feel mostly normal, i just feel lost. I am scared that that weird depression may come over me again like yesterday. i am also wondering what i will do today to keep myself busy. that worried me. well, I’ve got almost 7 hours before my class tonight so ill try to study a little i guess.

Day 3

Black — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 05:10:30 +0000

Well, after a while, I woke my dad and started talking with him about everything. he calmed me down. I took another Ativan and things mellowed a lot. I had already called my mom to come down, because my dad was getting ready to leave to go to work. I tried to fall asleep around 5:30. I had some trippy thoughts. I saw a lot of wierd things in my head. I saw few scenes in my head that were like wolves or monsters running around. I also had an episode where i i saw some shit that really didnt make any sense, i called my self on it, and the shit went away. It was terrrifying. luckily, i think the Ativan was strong and the anxiety went away pretty quickly. My mom called me and woke me up at 6am to tell me she was on her way still. SHe then arrived at 7am and i had to wake up to let her in. I went back to sleep and finally woke back up for good around 9am. I really started freaking out about the weird thoughts i had earlier. i got up and talked to my mom about it all. she helped me and reminded me of some of the things i learned in the Phobeas class. time flew by and before i knoew it, it was 12pm. I took a shower, that went well. i was feeling good at about a level 1. I went to get some food with mom and went to the gym. i managed about 15 minuets on the eliptical and managed to work out on 2 machines. i had to remind myself that i was in charge and i calmed the anxiety down. I left and went back home and took a shower and got dressed. this was about 3pm. i was at about a 2. we decided to go see a movie, Worlds Greatest Dad, with Robin Williams. the drive to the thrater was ok. we had to wait a while for the movie to start. i got a little nervous. i was ok in the movire until the son died and the movie got really wierd and depresseing. After te movie,at about 6pm, i got really, really depressed and sad. It fuxuated a littel, and edned up in anxiety at about a level 4. we went to the home depot to get some keys cut. by the time we got there i was at about a 5 and had to take an Ativan. I calmed down a little, but i remained at a 3-4 level. we went to safeway and things got very bad. i had to remind myself that i was in charge, and not the fear, about a hundred times. we then went to Hollywood video and rented some movies. I was very nervous at first, but once i got into the movie search, i was concentrating on the movies, and i forgot about the anxiety momentarily. after leaving hollywood video, i was at a 3 and remained thereuntil after we got home. Imade some dinner and that gave me a little upset stomach. that scared me. i then sat down and started watcheding Role Models around 8:30. I then started writing this out and it finally helped. at this point, i feel almost normal. i dont thingk it wioll last, but i feel good that its all down. ive already had my 1 Ativan for the day, so i want to wait until later before i take the other one. hopefully i wont need the second tonight. I was reminded tonight that i wont die from anxiety and i made it through some really tough situations before i got home.

Night 2

Black — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 11:01:41 +0000

Well night 2 started off ok. I went to bed around 10:15 and fell asleep around 11p. I oly took 1 Ativan around 9p. I wokeat 3 am wired and scared, about a level 4-5. It’s been an hour now. I’m still pretty wound up. I’m scared if losing my mind. My thoughts are racing. The Dr suggested bi polar as a possiblity, and said racing thoughts were evident I’d that. I think I have been obsessinf over my thoughts a little more than usual. I think I might be bi polar or some other kind of crazy. I just want to to to sleep. I Had to call off for work again. I’ll get in some trouble for that. I just don’t think I could cope today. Now I don’t know what I will do wiry myself Today. It’s going to be a long, scarey miserable day.

After the movie

Black — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 03:54:07 +0000

I guess I wasn’t quite ready to rake the Ativan after all. Well I went to the movies. That was tough. My anxiety jumped to and from a 2-6 throughout the movie. After the movie we went to olive garden. My level was about a 3. We waited about an hour to get a seat. I probably rise to a 4. Once we got in and I got some water I probably went down to a 2.5 to a 3. It was so weird; during the meal , I felt as if everything was normal, I was myself aagain, but my anxiety level was still at a 2-3 fir no aparently reason. I think I’m starting to get scared of being scared in the near future. Through my entire drive home, I flet normal, but y anxiety level was high. I got home and finally took the first Ativan. I went from an unexplained leve 3 to an enexplained level 2. I called my dad to see if he could stay the night with me. I think things will be Better with someone here. I am tired of constantly being scared constany. I am very nervous about working tommorow. I don’t know if 2 Ativan will be enough to getthrough the day. We’ll see. It’s now 9:20 and I am sleepy, and I may be able to sleep, but my dad us already o. His way and I need to stay up to let him in when he gets here. I really wish I could just turn myself off.

Movies

Black — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 21:42:28 +0000

G
I am gettin ready to go to the movies. I’d say I’m at a 3-4. I have my Ativan and am ready to take it, probably before I get to A’s house.

Day 2

Black — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 21:25:10 +0000

I woke up at 6am, which was not unusual. I usually wake at this time, use the bathroom, and then go to work or go back to sleep. It took me about 45 minutes to an hour and I finally fell back asleep until 9am. Before I fell asleep my anxiety level was about a 1.5. After waking at 9am, my anxiety level was about a 1. 9am is a good time to wake up, and I usually don’t get much good sleep after this time anyways, I decided to stay up. I watched a little TV in bed until about 10am. I then got out of bed and watched a little more TV, ate and apple and a banana, and took my Zoloft for the first time. I tried to call each of my parents to let them know how it went last night. My dad was already asleep. (He worked a night shift) and my mom said she had some other semi-emergency she had to deal with and that she would have to call me back later. My anxiety level rose to about a 2 because I was feeling a little alone and didn’t know what I should do. I called The Dr, as he requested, and let him know how my night went. I then decided to take a shower, which usually helps get me back to normal better than anything. The shower brought my anxiety level up to about a 3.5. It started off bad; I started washing things out of order (I know this sounds weird, but I wash in almost always the exact same order. Right now, all I want is to feel normal. Washing things in the wrong order in the shower definitely makes me feel very not normal). I then got into my head a little bit and soon my thoughts were racing form one thing to another. I don’t even remember what I was thinking about; all I know is that it was really starting to freak me out. I decided the shower wasn’t relaxing at all and got out. I then got dressed and then headed downstairs for a bowl of cereal. Now it’s about 12:15 and I’ve dressed and eaten my anxiety level is back down to about a 1. I talked to my mom. She went on and on about her crazy friend, which started freaking me out (when I feel crazy, I definably don’t want to her about other people being or going crazy). I then decided it would be a good idea to go to the gym and work out. The gym used to be great to balance me out, but lately I’ve been having a little anxiety at the gym. My anxiety level shot up to about a 3, so I decided to hold off on the gym until later. I still have to leave the house. I know if I stay here all day, I will think about the anxiety and just freak myself out. So I called a friend, A, and asked if she wanted to go see inglorious Bustards with me. I know it’s a little risky for me to go out like to a movie while I am like this, but I am pushing for normalcy and really want to get back into the swing of things. Also, she doesn’t know it yet, but I am going to try to use her as a support person for me right now. All my old support buddies from the past are in other cities, and she’s close by, so I hope she will work. We’ll see how that goes when we meet up. I am very nervous about that. We make plans to meet up at 3pm. That was probably poor planning on my part. Now I have lots of time to sit and be anxious about my anxiety. I remembered that while I was in the shower, I thought of writing a blog about this while experience. So, I started detailing my last few days. And now her I am in real time about 2pm. My anxiety level has jumped back and forth between a 1 and a 4 while writing all of this down. I thought it would be relaxing, but so far, it hasn’t been. This is turning out to be a lot longer than I thought it would be. I still have to go back and give a little background for this to make sense.

To top everything off now, I think may be a little sick. Whenever I am sick, I am automatically at an anxiety level of 2. I am really thinking of taking the Ativan now, but I want to try to wait to use them both tonight. I am nervous about making it through this movie.

Wow, editing all this sucked. I fear I am losing some of my mental ability. I had some really bad typos, like I was hitting keys that weren’t even close to the ones I wanted. We’ll see how this all goes. Time to try to find my blog that I never used and see if I can get all this on it.

My Anxiety experience

Black — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 21:23:28 +0000

Hello, I’m JB. I have anxiety issues. I have had them for a long time. A few days ago, on Thursday August 27, I experienced my worst episode. I felt odd from about 5:30pm until about 10:00pm. I was abnormally sleepy and fatigued. These kind of unusual feelings often lead to panic attacks of varying magnitudes. This time however, it leads to something much more than a simple panic attack. I got so freaked out that I eventually drove to the ER convinced that something was seriously wrong with me. I had slurred my speech a little and could not concentrate on simple tasks, like starting a DVD on my Laptop. The ER discharged me, telling me to take it easy on the caffeine and that was supposed to be that. I wish. I finally got a little sleep around 4:30 Friday morning. That lasted until about 8:50 Friday morning. Then I was off on the same adrenaline rush. I basically picked up right where I left off the night before, pretty close to hysteria.

I feel outside of myself now; nothing feels quite right. I am better now, after talking to The Dr., but I still don’t feel like myself. This has happened a few times before. I have a major episode or a major event occurs, and I just reset and have to find out how o feel normal again. I want to use this blog to track my feelings and progress through my journey to find myself again. I want to be able to remember what worked this time so that I can cope next time a little easier. (Or if things go as planned, there won’t be a next time and this will just be for whatever.)

Lets stat off with yesterday. It’s unbelievable that I actually fount a psychiatrist and was able to meet with him the same day. I felt many times better after I walked out of his office. During our session, I could definitely feel myself calming down. After I left, I felt at least 80% normal, just after talking to The Dr. I drove home, traffic sucked and my car started to overheat, but no panic attacks. When I finally got onto Ocean, the first road house off the main highway, a wave of relief just washed over me. I almost fell asleep while driving. It seemed that my continuous 24 hr + adrenaline rush from the afternoon before had finally ended. That felt good. This was about 5:30pm. I decided to go to Safeway to get some groceries before I got my meds (I kind of wanted to test out my good feeling). Safeway went alright, with only a few anxious moments, an while it didn’t go as it used to normally go, I was able to complete one normal activity (just a few hours before, I was worried that I would never have been able to complete routine tasks again without being overcome with fear). I then went to Walgreens to get my new meds. That took forever, but again, while I was on a little edge, I was able to complete the Walgreens task with only a little anxiety. I got back out to my car and decided to go get some dinner first before I went home to take my pills. (I need to take the pills at home to find out how I interact with them before I can drive with them.) I go get a greasy burrito, probably not the best choice because it gave me an upset stomach which brought a little anxiety back into the picture. I got home around 7:30 pm and put away the groceries and then went upstairs to my room. I was probably at about a 1 to 1.5 on my anxiety level at the time. I thought about it for about 20 minutes and then finally took the Ativan. I swear I felt that shit run through me. I got very anxious, about a 4 or a 5, but, luckily, that lasted only about a minute, after I calmed down, I probably stayed at a 2 until it later. I was more anxious after I took the anti-anxiety pill, but I have a deep fear of taking pills so I think ha the pill not been anti anxiety, I would have definitely been much more anxious. I watched a little TV, nit really enjoying much of it, mostly just worrying about going to sleep soon. I called The Dr. around 9pm, because he asked me to call him a few hours after I took the Ativan. I let him know how I was doing. He told me I could take another Ativan if I needed so that I could take one of the Heavy drug he prescribed me. (He prescribed the Heavy drug specifically so I could get to sleep tonight, but I am terrified of the side effects and I don’t know if I can take the drug while I am alone.) When it’s time to go to sleep is always when the anxiety is the worst. Getting to sleep when I am anxious like this always takes forever and is a trying ordeal. Around 10 pm I finally decided it was time to try to sleep. I called my mom and put her on standby incase I needed her to come down to stay the night with me. (This stuff fucking sucks when you are alone, and everyone eels I knew was either busy, or working. My mom has been through all of this before with me when I was first treated for anxiety, so she knows how to calm me down better than anybody except my ex girlfriend, and I don’t think she’s going to come running if I cal her now.) I called my work and called in sick for Saturday. (We have a policy where I have to call in at least 8 hours in advance, and since I didn’t know how the sleep would go or how I would feel in the morning, anxiety-wise, I knew I should miss work. I can’t risk having a major panic attack at work because I might just walk out and leave work, which would likely get me fired.) I put a DVD in my PS3, brought my laptop + 3 other movies to bed, along with many books =, and tried to settle in to go to sleep. I went on ahead and took another Ativan and tried to watch the first movie. The movie sucked and I started to feel real sleepy so I turned everything off and tried to sleep. It was really fucking hot. I gave up that attempt after about 10 minuets of sweating and not falling asleep. I then tried to masturbate, which usually helps to knock me out. Not surprisingly, it was difficult to accomplish that because, by this time, my anxiety level was about a 3, and it took much more effort to complete that talk. Untimely, masturbation failed and I was now wide awake. I am positive the only reason I wasn’t at a 7 or an 8 in anxiety was because of the Ativan. I then tossed and turned, tried a little more TV and nothing worked. Finally, around 11pm, I tried to read a little of my philosophy homework and that kind of did the trick. After about two or three pages, I turned off the light and really concentrated on falling asleep. I probably fell asleep a few minutes later around 11pm.

Day 2